Who are you? Reflections on identity change

“Every block of stone has a statue inside it, and it is the task of the sculptor to discover it.” Michelangelo

We are all sculptors of our identity, chiseling it with every life stage, decision, story, and habit, throughout our lives.

Sometimes our form is very clear, and we have a good grip on it, sometimes it’s more fluid, sometimes, especially in transitions, it is fuzzy and confusing. Always evolving, always becoming, it has a will of its own toward wholeness.

·      Who are you NOW?

·      Who were you five or ten years ago?

·      Who do you aspire to be?

·      Who would you be if you weren’t this or that (e.g. manager, entrepreneur, parent)?

·      Who would you be if you let go of outdated stories and live a life that is truly yours?

They say when we think of our future self, we imagine we will stay the same, but life has its way to remodel ourselves continuously. Sometimes there are small day-to-day, almost invisible shifts, other times the shifts are significant and sudden.

One of my relatively recent professional shifts was moving from a 'wartime CEO' identity to that of a coach

Following an eight-plus year journey in a fast-paced, high-speed growth business, I embodied the story of being a driver, a competitive captain that likes to win, enjoys bold challenges, has a performance-first mindset, has high expectations for myself and those around me, and thrives in shoes that are constantly growing larger and larger, constantly giving 110%.

After deciding to end that chapter, I found myself for quite a long time in a space of confusion regarding who I was. At that stage in my life, my identity felt deeply connected with my professional life.

• I was not a manager anymore, I was not yet a coach.

• I was not a problem solver first anymore, I was not a spacious listener yet.

• I was not a driver anymore; I was not a relaxed person, comfortable with uncertainty and exploration just yet.

I was leaping into the unknown without knowing what was next, giving up the golden cuffs and the armour of status and external success validation.  

With more doubts and questions than certainties, I’ve lost my confidence about who I was, when most of the story I repeatedly told myself was not holding water anymore.

Those were not fun times, but the only way is through.

I was lacking evidence for a new story, and not enough time had passed to update and reframe the old story.

In the unknown space, if you give yourself permission to stay with not knowing, you start noticing what feels true.

In time, I got more and more connected with the why behind who I was, with the newly crafted narratives about my strengths and my values beyond any role, about how my professional identity fits into the bigger picture according to my still in-the-making vision, and I learned to hold apparent contradictions of my identity.

I learned that I don’t have to be either-or, and that I can be both-and. That some facets of my identity are more salient in some parts of my life, and that I can switch modes and expand into new identity territories that I care about.  That I am work in progress and that I don’t need to give up everything I know about myself, that some truths exist and evolve no matter what.

That wholeness means growing and reconfiguring yourself continuously, both by your behavior and by updating the stories you tell yourself about who you are.

We are meaning-making, meaning-seeking machines, and we need to keep our stories updated and alive.

After listing different aspects of my current identity - roles (e.g. coach, manager), relationships (e.g. sister, aunt, godmother),  hobby-flavored (e.g. nature&design lover, traveler, swimmer, reader), strengths, values, and personality-inspired (e.g. system/perspective-oriented thinker, explorer, independent/empowered, a sharp cookie, a good listener, self and socially aware), I realised I am now a pretty well-defined, well-rounded, confident in who I am and flexible in discovering and integrating new facets and contradictions of my identity.

If I were to rewrite some of the stuff just now,  I would probably play with the space between the apparent contradictions.

We are a mosaic of who we were, who we are, and who we are becoming.

While some transformations are forced upon us, others are intentionally built.

In this chapter of my life, I am curious about evolving my identity around four core pillars: a free life, a courageous life, a connected life (with self, others, nature), a meaningful life.

If you want to own your transformation and integrate new values into who you are, here is how you can practically sculpt your identity:

·      Hold it lightly: Carl Jung described individuation as the lifelong project of becoming more nearly the whole person we were meant to be. Be intentional, but remain patient; deep identity shifts take time to fully materialize.

·      Break it down: Examine your identity granularly rather than trying to reinvent everything at once. Focus on one specific facet or role at a time to avoid overwhelming yourself.

·      Clarify your aspirations: Define the precise traits you want to adopt. Ask yourself: "What would a person with this quality do in this exact situation?" Then, act as if.

·      Define success and assumptions: Determine how you will know a transformation has occurred. What does success actually look like, and what subconscious assumptions do you hold about people who naturally possess this trait?

·      Audit your habits: Identify which behaviors you need to stop and which new, complementary habits you must build to support this evolution.

·      Adopt a fluid mindset: Stay curious about what you want more or less of in your life, maintaining a flexible perspective on who you can become.

·      Run low-stakes experiments: Test-drive new ways of being before fully committing. Experimenting allows you to find your own authentic flavor of a new trait.

·      Act your way into the new identity: Repeat key actions and build small habits daily to solidify your new direction.

·      Change your environment: Surround yourself with people and contexts where your target values are already fully embodied.

·      Reframe your current narrative: Look for subtle ways you already embody these desired traits today. Recognizing present evidence speeds up the adoption of your new story.